re: Pa-geena, pa-gina

My entry to the Sexy Agency’s Annual Pie Contest needs a name. Help.

Mouth Rape: Your Mouth Says “No” But Your Taste Buds Say “OH MY FUCK, THAT PIE’S GOOD!!

Smart. I think the Drakkar Noir-infused whipped topping is what’s going to bump Mouth Rape from third degree to first.

Your tongue shouldn’t have worn that dress…it was just asking for seconds.

Maybe I can find a way to bake a hackneyed Roman Polanski joke in my entry.

Here is future me with my future trophy:

 

re: Cute as Balls

This

is the new this.

TGIF YOU GUYS!

xoxo you guys!

Things My Boyfriend Says #2

Stranger: I really like your beard. It looks good on you.

Boyfriend: Thanks.

(Waits until stranger is out of earshot, leans over)

Boyfriend: He was talking about you.

re: happy my-birthday

This is your dad’s boyfriend. You guys are best friends. He takes you fishing. You want to be him when you grow up.

Being a fan of men that jog and know how to relax, I am this demographic!

Remember when we ate Spicy Green Beans from Chin Yen and this was our demographic?

Re: The future is so early it’s late

A friend of a friend saw this a few years ago at Sundance and predicted Danny McBride would be the next big nobody-to-become-somebody-due-to-right-place-right-time-syndrome-and-as-a-result-can-afford-the-new-famous-person-hobby-of-washing-ones-hands-with-humpback-whale-infused-liquid-soap-before-drying-them-on-snow-tiger-suede-disposable-towels.

umYEAHduh…
http://www.hbo.com/eastboundanddown/

…and Observe & Report was supposed to star McBride but the studios wouldn’t make the film without a bigger name so they went with Seth Rogen…

I’m sorry, but I have to turn in my resignation to write here on Mary Talks To Tyler bc I have to go accept another position as “President of Hard-To-Reach Scrubs” at cleaningDannyMcBride’swonderfulballs.org  and then take a nap while starring longingly, with lips pursed, at a Danny McBride poster hanging above my bed…hoping the tape won’t hold.

I always knew he’d be good at something but I never knew he’d be fucking great at everything.

The position of “Secretary of Towel Dry” is still available…

One ticket for the POWERTRAIN please.

re: USA.A.

Look at this fucking (unemployed) hipster.
Applicant #1 was punctual and thoughtfully protected his resume with a Ratatat notebook.

Applicant #6 is ethnic. Extra points for diverse boobies.

Applicant #7 brought his son because he doesn’t know how job interviews work.

Applicant #10 doesn’t know how lines work. Both the single file and the cocaine variety. (Get it? GET IT? Cause she’s not in line and she is overweight and she is a hipster!!!)

If I were the manager I would give the job to the row of bicycles in front of the store.

Hmmmm…well what’s your favorite band, row of bicycles in front of the storeWRONG FUCKING ANSWER…I should’ve never heard of them because they should be from fucking Moscow in the fucking year 2011.  YOU’RE ALL FUCKING NOT HIRED BC YOU ALL OBVIOUSLY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL…all of you except maybe for you…

WELCOME TO THE AA FAMILY!!!!!

Isn’t that the drummer for Ponytail?

re: Dew York Minute

My hotel room just got A LOT smaller aka Overheard in NY.

1st AD upon being handed a venti pink passion fruit tea from Starbucks: “Now all in need is to get my pussy waxed.”

Out-of-breath-pirate/photo-assistant to shoot across the hall with a flask in his back pocket at 8am: “’Ave you seen a coupla French women?”

Director: I like a girl that looks healthy.

1st AD: Nah, not me. I like the tall skinny coke whores.

20-something hipster doorman: “I fucking HATE photography.”

Director (after finishing a $350 sushi dinner that took three hours because the service was SO FUCKING SLOW): Grab your stuff and get ready, if they don’t bring the check in the next five minutes we are totally fucking bolting.

I just overheard my obituary. Cause of death: sweat overdose.

re: I am still bad at Hollywood

I think I cut off Larry David trying to get off of the 405.

Ironically, I think Larry David pulled his own I am Bad at Hollywood with his latest Woody Allen movie…ZING! Your Enthusiasm!!!!

How bad is it? Let me rephrase that. If the movie were nestled in the bottom of the low-flow toilet of my hotel room would I flush it using the number one button or the number two button?

I gave it the number three button (what the fuck’s a #3 i should go to the doctor).

re: hey guys

  HAPPY 4TH OF JULY YOU GUYS!

re: shiney

Financial crisis SOLVED!

401K SAVED!

Savings account REPLENISHED!

Let’s take a trip to the Dominican Republic and freebase our body weight in 100% uncut yayo whilst having unprotected sex with “waitresses” because we are going to have more than enough money to escape the consequences.

I’d take a closer look at Bong Hits sustainable spending budgetary plans before you start celebrating that 401K return…

 

SHIT…just found his Universal Healthcare Plan…

Uhhh…perhaps I should have specified that said URL would be worth it’s weight in gold once we sold it.

 

Oh…well then…shit…THIS is awkward…how about we just post up this pic and have Keyboard Cat play us off?

Our most meta post to date.