re: Cameo

Hey you guys, today MTTT has a special guest, the author of  Santa vs Satan.

Thinking of you.

Nothing commemorates the holidays like Dad doing something REALLY psychologically damaging to Daughter during her childhood and meatloaf goes a long way towards healing years of  emotional turmoil and inexorable self-destructive behavior.

TGIThanksgiving Guys!

MOUTH RAPE WON!

re: Colonialism

Q: Guess who’s in the Meat Packing District?

A:

 

Those poor chic-bastard’s penises won’t be able to feel a damn thing!!!

Once the post-modern heterosexual’s Ove Glove, now simply an entry on Bristol Palin’s X-Mas Wish List, immediately following “Time Machine” and “Sparkly Headband”.

re: Woof

For the last two weeks our blog has been steadily disappointing people looking for ebony and ivory porn.

 

I’m appalled…if I ever wanted to be anything it would be a misleading hub for “Old Dicks, Hot Chicks”.  I believe we have half our problem solved right here.

I’ll do you one better and add “Sir Lady Gaga Megan Fox John McCain threesome” to all of our image tags so we list better in the AARP Romance/ Boring Stories Of When We Were Your Age Section.

re: Best Mid-West

Did you know that I was in Chicago all weekend? Probably not because you were too busy not losing your keys at this wedding.

Here is where I illustrate the fun I had by posting pictures I took with my phone and adding contrived puns as captions. (BLOGGA WHAT?)

Frushi aka only people from Portland would spend $7 on this.

Wiener Circle aka a perfect blend of 3am hunger and $15 white guilt.

The Signature Room aka 30% of Chicago’s Tourism Revenue.

The Hideout aka a bar on the west side of Chicago that resembles the living room on Sanford and Son, it neighbors a 15 foot barbwire fence which surrounds the Chicago City Dump. Not pictured is the hobo slumbering atop a dump truck roof , he awoke long enough to yell “you suck” at us before rolling over and going back to sleep. Also not pictured is the Hideout.

The Hollywood Grill aka where men drunk enough to eat over half of a breakfast burrito using only a serrated steak knife come to eat breakfast burritos.

so THAT’S where my keys are…thanks.

What were you up to last weekend again?  I lost my keys.

re: Pa-geena, pa-gina

My entry to the Sexy Agency’s Annual Pie Contest needs a name. Help.

Mouth Rape: Your Mouth Says “No” But Your Taste Buds Say “OH MY FUCK, THAT PIE’S GOOD!!

Smart. I think the Drakkar Noir-infused whipped topping is what’s going to bump Mouth Rape from third degree to first.

Your tongue shouldn’t have worn that dress…it was just asking for seconds.

Maybe I can find a way to bake a hackneyed Roman Polanski joke in my entry.

Here is future me with my future trophy:

 

re: Cute as Balls

This

is the new this.

TGIF YOU GUYS!

xoxo you guys!

Things My Boyfriend Says #2

Stranger: I really like your beard. It looks good on you.

Boyfriend: Thanks.

(Waits until stranger is out of earshot, leans over)

Boyfriend: He was talking about you.

re: happy my-birthday

This is your dad’s boyfriend. You guys are best friends. He takes you fishing. You want to be him when you grow up.

Being a fan of men that jog and know how to relax, I am this demographic!

Remember when we ate Spicy Green Beans from Chin Yen and this was our demographic?

Re: The future is so early it’s late

A friend of a friend saw this a few years ago at Sundance and predicted Danny McBride would be the next big nobody-to-become-somebody-due-to-right-place-right-time-syndrome-and-as-a-result-can-afford-the-new-famous-person-hobby-of-washing-ones-hands-with-humpback-whale-infused-liquid-soap-before-drying-them-on-snow-tiger-suede-disposable-towels.

umYEAHduh…

http://www.hbo.com/eastboundanddown/

…and Observe & Report was supposed to star McBride but the studios wouldn’t make the film without a bigger name so they went with Seth Rogen…

I’m sorry, but I have to turn in my resignation to write here on Mary Talks To Tyler bc I have to go accept another position as “President of Hard-To-Reach Scrubs” at cleaningDannyMcBride’swonderfulballs.org  and then take a nap while starring longingly, with lips pursed, at a Danny McBride poster hanging above my bed…hoping the tape won’t hold.

I always knew he’d be good at something but I never knew he’d be fucking great at everything.

The position of “Secretary of Towel Dry” is still available…

One ticket for the POWERTRAIN please.